Single Mother Theory
Disclaimer: This is called balance. We are not here to just dissect the man’s perspective (Deadbeat Dad) – There is also the “Single Mother Theory” – this is a woman who had a child, either out of wedlock or marriage – who does not seek partnership in a myriad of ways. This type of female is only familiar with the struggle life. Living a “soft life” isn’t in her DNA. She must always work, be “under the gun” or there is always something going on. (Someone is sick, this happened etc...) Her worst fear is her daughter being like her or her son becoming like the father. This allows her to be the hero when a child’s arrival should be a planned and celebrated event for both parents. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you’re a great parent or a worthy partner. If the following makes you feel a way, male or female, then we’re most likely talking to you.
There are a great number of women (and men) who have kids, along with a step-parent, and there are no issues because everything was planned. Zero conflict. They equally seek to remain together. Your relationship is EXACTLY what you make it. To a mature man, the kids aren’t the issue – the mother is.
These cases are about what happens WHEN YOU DO NOT PLAN. This is reserved for the female who only seeks problems – not solutions. It’s okay if this relates to you but do understand that with accountability and effective communication – no one has to lose. Comprehension is key. Everything can’t be his fault and you’re not always right. You should experience a typical mom and dad home setting with you on the regular. Even if a parent travels/etc. Your mother moving here and there with no solid plan is not normal. She’s just trying to survive. For a man, it’s much simpler.
An open letter to the kids. (The perspective of a single male who has planned his life – partnering with a single mother who has not)
Dear kids who aren’t mine,
I, as man, role model, protector, provider for you and your sister, and as a friend and partner to your mother – DID NOT FAIL YOU!
Your mother may tell you otherwise, or nothing at all, but I questioned-asked-mourned until my last ounce to continue to be in your lives.
Just because there are things we don’t understand doesn’t mean “things are bad”. Sometimes two people have to learn how to play in the sandbox together.
I did not abandon you.
Your mother forced me to leave. Yes, she was doing it for you but not because I didn’t know how to lead a family.
I don’t feel it’s okay for a woman to use her kids as a reason to not better express herself or contain her emotions. Especially when that male needs that woman to be his equal, so the family can survive. (Think “World War Z”, they stuck together)
She was introduced to a lot of new things that made her FEEL like she wasn’t in control. To regain control (or to establish it) she would create false worlds and watch me buckle under unnecessary made-up pressure. She even gave that “evil smile” once during an argument, that’s how I knew she was toxic. You won’t understand “investing” until later in life but a huge part of my emotion was because I invested in my family. I did things that you do for those you care about. Would I done those things if I knew your mother would react the way she did? Probably not. But because of you (and all the other cool kids in the family) I’m glad you saw my light shine a little at your age. For whatever reason, you’ll refer back to that strength and it’ll help you through something.
A friend of mine helps realign my perspective at times with a phrase you won’t understand until you’re grown, (FTK!) as you aren’t mine, you never were – however, none of that made me love you two any less. I didn’t care that your mother made decisions early in her life that she didn’t plan for. I still loved you. Your mother wouldn’t be as compassionate had I been the one with kids. That’s called being a hypocrite.
Nothing happens by accident but married or not, your mother and your father at the time were sleeping on her parents couch. He didn’t know how to be a man for you, your sister and your mom – I did.
He would come to pick the two of you up from the apartment your mother and I paid for and would barely have room for you at his “half-way” house. That’s called being a deadbeat.
I planned for your mother and you. You had your own room. Your mother didn’t have to work. That was so she could spend more time with you. Do more things she loved. God knows 20K as a teacher’s assistant wasn’t going to give her the lifestyle she was delusional about. That means your mother would either have to have a MAJOR career change – or trust in me. The ultimate plan being moving into the castle I reside at now.
All the things your mother was conditioned to was only because your father wasn’t a man when you were born.
He tried to fight me once in the parking lot because a strong man, especially one who is capable of taking your family, makes a weak man tremble.
One day you will be old enough to find this information on your own. I hope then your comprehension of all of this is just as clear.
Your mother has her own journey, as do I – and same for you (and your sister)
I wish you the best in life. Do not let your insecurities get the best of you and for heaven’s sake – do not have children until AFTER you’ve grown up and found yourself first. You will be successful when you realize you are proud of yourself. As your “step-dad” I don’t want you blaming your partner in life for your flaws when all they want to do is love you. There are emotions I can not express to you but I absolutely adored your mother. When love is real it changes you forever.
Your uncles live at your grandparents house. Your dad lived with your mom’s parents. (Real men don’t do this, especially with a wife and kid of their own) Everyone weighed down on your grandparents – which is why his health was declining. I took care of your mother while he was sick because we both decided on elective surgery, something I’m sure your mother sweeps under the rug. I did those things because I wanted to be there – not for judgement – but then I didn’t expect to be judged/ostracized by your mother. So that’s when an “investment” into someone makes you feel silly. And that’s okay too. You invest in others because you were wealthy to begin with.
There are many things I’ve worked on since then, the main one being not paying rent or being a burden to my parents. The rooms I promised my family I made happen, and then some. Follow your dreams until the very end – even if you have to arrive alone. As far as flaws, we all have them but truly loving someone won’t have you being judgmental. Find a way to communicate through your problems.
Moral of this Story: You don’t quit something just because it gets difficult at times. You don’t “stop loving” someone or something just because you don’t understand something. These things especially true when you also have a hand in how things go. Life is what you make it.
Do well in life. Both of you are more than capable.
– SB
Disclaimer: If feelings of emotion toward your kids from another person bothers you – why introduce your kids to anyone to begin with? Understand that bonds formed can’t just be “broken” because you want out of the relationship. Your inabilities to cohabitate with another person will lead to anxiety and other debilitating actions within your children.
Calm Down Sis…
Let’s not pretend like there isn’t an entire percentage of successful adult men WHO DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN, that are “forced” to date amongst females that do. Why by force, you ask? Most females over 25 have kids. By 35, most are divorcing and back living with their parents. Try finding a “good girl” who wants you, successful and on her own. (Consider yourself lucky finding your mate with no attachments. It doesn’t mean your relationship will work but it should make it easier. If you do have kids, lower your expectations.) The dating pool is TRASH so if you are blessed enough to find someone who loves you through your shit – you should probably do your best to make it work. It’s okay if your relationship doesn’t work out – just don’t have kids. The whole “I’m a single mother because” convo is old and boring.
To my bros out there that do not have kids – DO NOT!!! Please, I beg of you – Become successful by yourself. Then women will be in abundance simply because you’re successful – with no children. At the very end of the day, if she is upset, she can leave and take her issues and her kids with her.
[Note: If you are a grown ass man STILL living with your parents at your old age – AND you have the audacity to have your wife and kids there too talking about “I’m taking care of my parents”, grow a pair. cc: Rick and Eli]
“It is better to eat a dry crust of bread alone than to feast where there is quarreling”
Disclaimer: The thing I love most about being a great man (One who doesn’t hide from responsibility + loyal to their partner + achieving personal success) is that you get to call bullshit on everything else.
Name a scam that’s so normal people don’t realize it’s a scam.
Marriage.
Women having kids and still living with their parents.
Women with kids out of wedlock.
Women with multiple children by multiple men.
Women having multiple kids with a deadbeat (That makes you a deadbeat mother)
Women with kids looking for a step-dad/sponsor.
Women with kids who make less than 25K a year but DEMAND that the man makes over 100K.
Women lying about being pregnant to begin with. (That should be a crime – like false rape accusations)
Lastly, don’t be stupid. If you’re going to go ghost on a man, for heaven’s sake don’t have sex on camera – you never know where those pictures and videos will end up.
